Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.