[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.