*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.