I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Any refunds available?…
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us