HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits