[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.