My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.