Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.