When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.