First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.