me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix