I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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They must have gotten it to go.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.