Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school