People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.