My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
North and South
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.