Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns