Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
You Might Also Like
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.