Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes