I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security