superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
You Might Also Like
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper