4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house