13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…