Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
for all #parents out there
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”