5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg