“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!