Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.