If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT