[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
meow
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Stop sending me this shit.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.