6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.