TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.