Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.