god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You Might Also Like
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit