When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.