*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
You Might Also Like
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!