The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!