Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
and this one
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management