Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie