John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
What a chick magnet..
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours