[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no