Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Life with a cat in one tweet
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?