Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
You Might Also Like
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave