Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Once again not all heroes wear capes
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving