Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
X-tra spooky blend
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them