“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Only Americans understand
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.