Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩