me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]