#MeanwhileinCanada
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday