I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Thrilling chase underway
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.