My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir