I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
This is my pinned tweet
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.